I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
there is glitter all over my balls
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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