This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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