I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
