Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I will be naked everywhere
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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