"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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