The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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