The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
