Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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