We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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