is your mom at the bar?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
