our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I want to fling myself into the sun
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Shame is for Republicans.
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