Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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