Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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