there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
