At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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