I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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