I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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