Who wears a wallet chain?!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
