Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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