oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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