The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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