i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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