My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
