I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
