i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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