It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
