just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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