i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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