Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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