So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
