dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
