I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
