i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
