Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
