When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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