He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
As shirtless as possible
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
