The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
