have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
