Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
