shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
