boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
