batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I showed him my bush... on skype.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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