I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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