I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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