My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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