R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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