Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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