I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
