I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
