Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize