We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
