You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You know, be my cock's hype man.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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