sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize