I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
