whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
