so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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