my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize