I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Randomize
