Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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