if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
