just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
