I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Vodka?
Forever.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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