ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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